Pinata

Online Dating

Once upon a time -this very Summer- I signed up for online dating.

I was sick of being alone. I was sick of waiting for my personality to change in the hopes of appearing more inviting. With no job or education filling my time, while biding endlessly on never ending Serial rabbit holes, I decided enough is enough: I’m going on Tinder, baby.

Swiping changed the whole dating paradigm. Immediately I became addicted with Tinder. The possibilities are endless, especially under the limitations you allow. Based on the proximity distance and age group of your liking, that’s how the algorithm works. If both partners swipe right then you have made a match.

Pretty soon I made matches. Within days I met my first boyfriend. He was an American Spirit chain smoking, Malcolm X inspired glasses wearing, side swept haired 23 year old. I felt like I had won the golden ticket. Sparks were immediate. My favorite memories took place in the first week. Hitting up the beach, bars, and restaurants in a honeymoon frenzy. We were inseparable. Eventually things fizzled within a month and we were done. Sobbed for weeks.

I went back on Tinder. I complied on going on one date with a dude who I knew before my ex. Getting myself out back there made me realize I am worthy of having companionship and experiencing fun times. People drown in their own sorrows after a breakup. Do not get sucked into a cloud of doom. If your former dude is already with a new boo, you’re sure as hell worthy to meet a new one too.

Lately Tinder has become a cesspool of tourists. I became sick of seeing fools from Australia or New York saying they’re in town for the week, waiting to grab a drink with a local girl. (Nothing more annoying than getting a match before seeing they live 2345 miles away and they’re just kickin it at the beach). I’ve learned that I like acquainting with people who have roots in Miami. Somebody who attended school at some point in their education is good enough, especially reigning back to elementary. I appreciate a man who knows their way around the city. My demographic centers around the 20s crowd.

Round 2: OkCupid.

Within minutes of signing up I got messages across the board. Here is why I’m still on OKC: the activity is constant and unfiltered. Tinder doesn’t allow messaging unless you are mutually matched. Literally the app turns into a Saharan desert if the butter isn’t churned long enough. Meanwhile on OKC, men fly off the handle. Immediately I received the most genuine messages.

Within 8 days my inbox storage space reached a 96% capacity. I had to downsize on messaging. I didn’t even know there was a limit. Unbeknownst to me I became the internet bachelorlette. I feel duplicitous for even talking to multiple men (Don’t worry. They’re doing the same thing, too). For one minute I’ll be chatting with a tattooed EMT, then a new message pops up on my cyber wind shield with a new hipster prince. I’m ferklumped. I favor OKC the most. Still with all the major attention you would think I’d stop there.

Nope.

Coffee Meets Bagel, Plenty of Fish, Bumble, and Once are the remaining apps I signed on. I deleted POF within two days. Firstly the design layout sucks. The app needs a new graphic boost. Second, there were many men out of my league constantly bombarding my inbox. I couldn’t escape. Worst app yet.

Coffee Meets Bagel is clean. The difference that separates this app with the rest is everyday at noon you receive one new match. The mechanics sound very bleak in comparison to Tinder. You only get one chocolate bar. The crowd is mostly gregarious, smiley, college graduates. While their name is absent, slots are filled in about their occupation, employer, education, etc.

Bumble was created by a former Tinder founder, Whitney Wolfe. The beautiful blonde designed Bumble in specific to cater women’s needs. Feeling fed up with fuckboys, this app allows women to message first -not vise versa. The demographic appears clean with graduates and working class men. Along with Once (which manufactures in the same way as CMB), I’ve had very meager activity on these apps.

I literally feel like Jeff from Community, sometimes.

Suffice to say online dating surpassed my expectations. People have been really responsive. Some dates were greater than others. The cleanest date took place in a pizzeria. The rest settled in houses, bars, and coffee spots. The weirdest guy, a hipster pothead, possessed a spiked bat in his room. Spooked, I made my way out. Meanwhile, these meetings will not always result in something cozy. On one date with a social media illiterate, gym fit dude, we had an honest conversation about life. Religion, dating, you name it. The amount of people I’ve met remains in the single digits, however they’ve only been from two apps (make your guess).

I really didn’t expect such hyperactive activity. I’m a playboy. Call me the female Hugh Hefner. Nah I’m kidding. You know how people say to try something new (hiking, traveling, learn to play the guitar), well this is my something new. You define how you want to experience things. The agenda isn’t always about love and hooking up with online dating. You’re meeting people from different walks. Whether you are attracted or not, the sit-down is an opportunity to learn something new from this distinctly different individual. They won’t all be the same. You will discover they share mutual Facebook friends, learn that they love Mr. Robot, or that their former dates lied by omission about being bipolar and finalizing a divorce in February. True story.

Graphic artist, reporter, soon-to-be-Georgetown Law student are some of the men I’ve met. Kevin from Tinder, who is my friend today, is a cousin of a guy I knew in high school. Alejandro from CMB shares the same nationalities as I do. He jokes we’re probably relatives.

Online dating can be a small world.

In essence, I’d compare the experience like a pinata party. Candy falls on the ground. Candy represents all the suitors: chocolate, sour candy, pixie sticks, bubble gum, and raisins. The ground is supposed to signify myself, trying to catch all the pieces. Connections will linger and subside. Several of these candidates have the potential to be the one (“…next on Everlasting”. I wanna watch UnReal again). I should become a polygamist.

The underlying reason why I signed up is because I want to eventually spend time with a special someone. I’m sick of being alone on Halloween, Christmas, etc. I wanna dress up in cool costumes, buy gifts around holiday season, watch crime shows. Companionship is important for everybody. Sharing memories is the sweetest thing.

Meeting these individuals wouldn’t have precipitated if my ex hadn’t left me. There is a silver lining when events like a break up shift your life. In the meantime I’m having fun receiving spontaneous messages and jumping the shark in meeting strangers. Online dating is successful because I am honest in how I portray myself (introvert, deadpan, podcast listener). The law of attraction is real.

WARNING: THIS SONG IS TOO SEXY.

 Disclosure – Latch (Feat. Sam Smith)

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